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Các bài viết vào Saturday 12th August 2006
*Eng fic, sẽ dịch trong một ngày nào đó có hứng. Đọc bản Eng xong mất hết cả tự tin sẽ dịch hay được
 *“One potato, two potatoes, three potatoes, four. Five potatoes, six potatoes, seven potatoes, more… What comes after that? God I don’t know!” Nicky talking to himself reaches for the glass of water on the cabinet next to the bed. “One more sleepy pill. Hhhmmmmm. Five more to go. He swallows the pill without another thought. Replacing the glass he sits back against the wall, reciting nursery rhymes to pass time. “Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, eating her curds and whey. Along came a spider and sat down beside her, frightening Miss Muffet away.” he stops to think for a minute, “What is a tuffet anyway? And why wasn’t Miss Muffet eating something more exciting like, chocolate?” He answers his own question with a shrug and reaches for the water again, taking another pill. “Only four more left! I am doing well! Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Jack fell down and broke his crown and Jill came tumbling after. Poor Jack and Jill! I expect they both had headaches in the morning!” Nicky swallows another pill, noticing only three left until his mission is complete. He lies on his bed staring at the ceiling. He feels tears beginning to burn behind his eyes as he whispers to himself the next nursery rhyme. “Humpty dumpty sat on the wall. Humpty dumpty had a great fall. All the kings horses and all the kings men, couldn’t put humpty together again.” Tears falling freely, he takes another pill. He speaks aloud to himself needed to voice his thoughts. “I am humpty dumpty and I was sitting on this great big wall of life. Yep. I had a great career, a wonderful family, amazing friends and in love with a beautiful man. Then came my great fall.” *flashback* / 3 months ago. Nicky stood pacing outside Shane’s room. He was trying to gain courage to knock on the door. Suddenly the door opens to a grinning Shane, “Were you ever going to knock? Or did you plan to stay there pacing all day?” he asks, motioning Nicky into the room. “How?” Nicky asks surprised and a little embarrassed. “There is a creaky floorboard and you happened to be walking over it continuously! Besides you were mumbling to yourself.” “Oh, right.” Nicky says as he sits himself down. In a jumble of nerves, Nicky blurts out, “Shane, I’m in love with someone.” “A guy?” Nicky nods in reply. Shane sits himself down next to Nicky on the bed. “Have you told him you like him?” Shane asks. Nicky shakes his head no. “What’s stopping you then?” Nicky looks him in the eyes, “His girlfriend.” he states simply. “Do … do … I know him?” Shane asks stammering putting the pieces together. “Well, if you don’t know you, then I would be worried.” Nicky replies, thinking himself an idiot for putting himself through this torture. But he knew he had to find out for sure whether he was wasting his time pining for Shane or not. “Me?” Shane manages to squeak out knowing full well the answer. The End. “Nicky .. I …” Shane stands up and begins pacing, looking for the words to convey what he is thinking. “Shane, do I have a chance or not?” Nicky asks straight out. Shane shakes his head no, feeling extreme guilt for the heartbreak that Nicky would be feeling. Nicky gets up to leave, “Thanks Shane, that’s all I needed to know.” “Wait Nicky, please, just hear me out.” Shane begs needing to explain in hope of softening the blow. Nicky stands and waits avoiding eye contact. “Nicky, you’re my best friend and I don’t want you to walk out that door thinking our friendship is over. I couldn’t bear that. I love you as a brother and a friend and I am so sorry that I can’t love you the way you want me to, the way I love Gillian.” Shane explains through his own tears. Nicky gives him a quick hug and a weak smile, “its ok Shane. I just needed to know for my own piece of mind. We’re still friends right?” Shane nods, knowing that beneath the mask, Nicky would be hurting and there was nothing he could do to change that. “Good.” Nicky replies leaving the room to head to his own where he could unmask himself and cry softly. *end flashback* “Humpty dumpty broke into a thousand pieces that day. And all his friends and family couldn’t piece him back together.” Nicky sobs quietly taking the second to last pill, feeling sleep washing over him. He sits up fighting the sleep, “I’m not finished yet - there’s still one more pill to go.” he says defiantly to himself. As if Shane is in the room Nicky apologises, “I’m sorry Shane, its not your fault.” He takes an envelope addressed to Shane from the cabinet containing Nicky’s goodbye letter. “I’m so sorry. I couldn’t get over you, I couldn’t move on. If I can’t have you, I don’t want nobody baby. I’m going to a happier place tonight, but I’ll be watching you.” He reaches for the water one last time and swallows the final pill. Taking a final look around the room, he lies down on the bed and places the envelope for Shane on his chest. Before he gives into sleep, he whispers, “Here lies the body of a broken hearted man. Rest in peace Nicky.” He closes his eyes and waits for death to claim him and take him to a happier place and make him whole again. Nicky opens his eyes to bright lights. ‘Oh I like the look of heaven!’ he thinks to himself. A few moments later he has a flashback of hearing voices - urgent voices. He can’t quite distinguish what they are saying. Suddenly he tenses in fear, realising he’s not dead. ‘What? Who found me? Why aren’t I dead?’ he thinks beginning to panic. He tries to get up and run but finds he can’t seem to move. He tries to scream, but nothing comes out. His throat feels raw and hurts like nothing he’s ever felt before. He begins to cry, feeling like a failure. ‘All I wanted was to die! Is that too much to ask?’ The volume of his crying travels out to the nurses station. A nurse quickly comes in to see him. “Ah Mr Byrne, finally awake I see. Now, now calm down dear, everything will be alright.” “No it wont!” Nicky whispers hoarsely. “All I wanted was to be dead!” The nurse tries to calm him down, “Now, now Mr Byrne, all your friends and family are here and want to see you! Can I send them in?” “No! I don’t want to see them! Who found me anyways?” “Um, I believe it was your friend Bryan.” “Tell him from me that I never want to see him ever again!” Nicky says without flinching. “What’s your name anyway?” He demands of the woman. She tries to hide her smile, “My name, Mr Byrne, is Nurse Julie.” she replies. “I want some water. My throat hurts. And maybe you should flavour it with the strongest alcohol you can find.” Nicky demands. Nurse Julie stifles a giggle, “Now Mr Byrne, you wont find any alcohol on these premises, but I can give you some plain tasteless water to help your throat.” She says, filling a glass for him and then helping him sit up. “Typical. It's a great explanation why I hate hospitals.” He murmurs snatching the glass from her hand and drinking it down with one gulp. He takes a deep breath and tries to calm himself knowing that taking it out on the nurse is going to get him no where and was unfair to her just trying to do her job. “Thank you.” he says gratefully, not having the courage to apologise to her. “You’re welcome.” “Nurse Julie? Is Mark here?” Nicky asks softly. “I’m not sure love, but I can find out for you.” Nicky nods, “But I only want to see him, no one else. Ok?” “Now Mr Byrne, the others are going to want to see you too.” “I know, but right now I just want to see Mark. And please stop calling me Mr Byrne! You can call me Nicky.” “Ok then Nicky, I’ll go and see if Mark is here. Just buzz if you need me.” Nicky nods as Nurse Julie leaves to find Mark. Not too long later, Mark enters the ward, looking concerned for his friend. “Hey Nicky, how are you feeling.” Mark asks sitting down on the chair next to the hospital bed. Nicky shrugs and doesn’t reply. “The nurse says you wanted to talk to me and only me.” Mark states trying to get Nicky to open up to him. Nicky nods, but still doesn’t reply. “Well what do you want to talk about then?” “Suppose you wanna know why I tried to kill myself.” Nicky states flatly. “Well yeah, we all do. We’ve all been worried about you. But you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.” Mark replies rubbing Nicky’s arm in comfort. “I wish Bryan hadn’t found me.” Nicky whispers. “What’s so bad that death is the only way Nicky?” Mark asks softly. “Shane loves Gillian and not me!” Nicky says losing the battle with the tears that had been building up inside him. Mark can’t help but smile slightly, “Ah, unrequited love. God do I know what that’s like!” Nicky stops crying and looks at Mark with wide eyes, “Really?” he asks. Mark nods, “Yeah. It’s not the end of the world Nicky. I know its hard, I have been trying to get over the man I love for years.” “Have you ever wanted to die because of it?” Nicky asks. Mark nods blushing, “Yeah a couple of times its felt unbearable.” “How do you cope with it?” Mark chuckles quietly, “As girly as this sounds, I write in a journal and write down all my feelings.” “Do you think maybe I can read some of it?” Nicky asks, instantly regretting it. Mark shakes his head no, “Sorry Nicky, its private. But you know if you ever want to talk, I’m always here for you. Don’t feel you have to suffer alone.” Nicky manages a small smile, “Ok. Can I have a hug?” Mark leans over and hugs him gently. “Feeling better now?” Nicky nods. “And you’re not gonna do anything silly?” Nicky shakes his head. “Promise?” “Promise.” “Good. Now the others want to see you, are you up for it or do you want them to wait until this afternoon?” “Please don’t make me see them yet!” Nicky replies starting to panic. “Ok, ok, Not yet. But you have to see them at some stage.” Nicky nods. “Mark? Did you know I left a note?” Nicky whispers. “No I didn’t. But I’m sure that doesn’t matter anymore.” “I left it for Shane. He wasn’t supposed to get it until I died. He’s gonna hate me now!” Nicky starts to cry again. “Aww Nix! He wont hate you! He’s just worried about you!” “He’s gonna think he made me do it!” Mark hugs him again, “I’m sure he wont, but I will talk to him for you and see what I can find out. Don’t worry about it.” “Talk to Bryan first! Just in case he didn’t give him the letter!” “Will do, now stop worrying! Its all taken care of! You just rest now. I think a counsellor will be coming by to see you soon.” Nicky nods, “Thanks for everything Marky.” he whispers as Mark squeezes his hand before leaving the room. Watching him leave, Nicky thinks he’s been so obsessed with his feelings for Shane that he hasn’t really noticed how much of a caring man Mark is. For the first time he thinks about the possibility of falling in love with someone else in the future. Not anyone in particular - just someone other than Shane. *out in the waiting room* Everyone jumps to their feet when they see Mark coming, firing questions at him left right and centre. Mark holds his arms up in mock surrender, “He’s fine, He’ll be ok. He just needs some rest right now and a counsellor will be going to see him soon.” “I wanna see him.” Kian demands. “I know you do. But you can’t just now. This afternoon you can all see him. He just needs some time to think things through I think.” Mark grabs Bryan by the arm and pulls him away from the group. “Bry, did you happen to find the letter Nicky left for Shane?” Mark asks straight to the point. Bryan pulls it out of his jacket pocket, “Hard to miss, it was on his chest.” He turns the envelope over in his hands. “You didn’t give it to him!” Mark exclaims happily. “Something inside me told me not to.” He replies handing the envelope to Mark. “I think Nix is gonna love you forever for not giving this to Shane!” Bryan give him a small smile, “Do you know why he did it?” He asks. Mark nods, “I do, but I can’t say. He told me in confidence.” Bryan nods excepting Marks answer, “Well I am glad he found he could talk to you. You don’t think he’ll try it again?” Mark smiles, “No. He promised. I think he just needs some time and he needs his friends to be there for him, and not judge him or hold it against him. I think he is worried that everyone will hate him for doing it.” Bryan nods in agreement. “I’m just gonna take this letter to Nicky, it will cheer him up immensely!” Mark says, giving Bryan a hug and heading back to Nicky’s room. “I’ve got a present for you!” Mark says, his face beaming. Nicky looks at him curiously. Mark pulls the letter out and hands it to Nicky. Nicky examines it closely, “It hasn’t been opened!” he says in surprise. “I asked Bryan about it and he just handed it over. No one else knows about it and no one but you knows what it says inside.” “So Shane doesn’t know?” “Nope, and he wont hear it from me.” “Burn it!” “As you wish Mr Byrne! But not here! Don’t wanna be thrown out for burning down the hospital!” Mark jokes. They are interrupted by Nurse Julie coming to inform Nicky his counsellor is there to see him. “You’re looking a lot happier than earlier Nicky!” she says, glad to see a smile on the mans face. “Mark’s a good friend.” He replies, making Mark blush. “I’ll see you later Nix, got some business to take care of.” he says winking and waving the envelope in the air. “Ok, thanks Marky.” Mark just smiles and goes off to deal with the letter. An hour later, Mark returns to the waiting room, having completed his mission. He notices Kian and Shane sitting impatiently waiting to see their friend. “Where’s Bryan?” Mark asks. “He’s gone to get some food. He’s a bottomless pit!” Kian says. Mark sits down with the others and flicks through some women’s magazines. Soon Bryan returns and joins them. The door to Nicky’s room opens and the counsellor comes out and heads over to the lads. She looks at Mark with a smile, “Mark? Have you ever thought of becoming a counsellor? You’ve done a great job with Nicholas. I am pleased to say that he can go home in a few days. I don’t believe he is a risk to himself anymore.” The lads sigh in relief, while Mark blushes at the earlier compliment. “I was just trying to be a good friend.” Mark whispers shyly. The counsellor smiles, “And you are. I know that when Nicholas goes home he will have a great support in you and the others.” “Can we see him?” Kian asks impatiently. “Sure, but only one at a time and not for too long.” Before she even finishes her sentence, Kian is already halfway to Nicky’s room. 10 minutes later Kian returns, relieved that Nicky is in fact feeling a lot better. Shane nervously heads towards Nicky’s room wondering whether he should go in. After a silent struggle with his mind he cautiously enters the room. Nicky looks up at the man he loves. Half of him wants to scream at him t get out but the other half wins and lets him stay. “Its not your fault Shane.” Nicky tells him. “But its because of me right?” he replies, too afraid to get closer. Nicky looks away. “I knew it, I am so sorry Nicky.” Shane says, tears beginning to fall. “Its not your fault Shane.” Nicky repeats. Shane doesn’t know what else to say or do, so he stands there fidgeting with his fingers willing the tears away. “Shane, I just want you to be happy. But I still need to get over you for my own sanity. Its so hard seeing you almost everyday and knowing I cant have you.” “I’m sorry Nicky. I’ve tried so hard not to rub it in by being with Gillian around you.” “I know. And I am grateful. But I need to spend some time away from you for a bit to get things into perspective. I just don’t want you to be mad at me.” Nicky whispers. “I wont be mad at you! I just want you to be happy!” Shane says taking a few tentative steps closer, “I know you will find someone who will love you just as much as you love them - if not more! But no matter what, you will always be my friend. Take as long as you need Nicky, I totally understand.” Nicky smiles, “Thank you Shae.” Bryan barrels into the room “Feck of Filan! You’ve been 10 minutes already, its my turn to annoy Nicky.” Shane waves at Nicky and leaves the room without putting up a fight. “You know Nicky, one good thing has come of all this.” “What’s that?” Nicky says eyeing Bryan suspiciously. “We get a month off! A whole month to do whatever we want!” Nicky smiles, “I could use a holiday!” he says hoping Mark will go on holiday with him. He gets his chance to ask 10 minutes later. “The lads have all headed home now. How are you holding up?” Mark asks Nicky. “Exhausted. Hey, Bryan said we have a month off. I need a holiday. I want to get away from here, but I don’t want to go by myself.” “Then take someone with you.” Mark replies. “You want to come with me? Nicky asks shyly. “Sure. Where do you want to go?” “Anywhere, away from here. But somewhere where no one knows us. I just want to relax and not do anything work related.” Mark smiles, “Ok. I’ll sort something out.” “You’re the best friend ever Marky!” Nicky replies with a huge smile. *A few days later, somewhere in New Zealand* “This is exactly what I needed!” Nicky says, lying back and staring at the ceiling feeling totally relaxed. “Good!” Mark replies, in the same position but on his own bed. “I think I should see a clairvoyant.” Nicky decides out loud. “Why?” Mark asks looking over to Nicky. “To see what my future holds of course!” Mark sighs, “Your future is whatever you make it Nicky. You know what I think might help?” “What? Nicky asks, turning to face Mark. “Close your eyes and imagine a future. Just imagine what you want it to be. In fact, just imagine a future full stop! Even if its something silly like, winning an Olympic gold medal in pouting!” Nicky hurls a pillow at Mark. “You could win a medal for those puppy dog eyes of yours! You could get anything you want with those eyes!” “Not anything.” Mark whispers. Nicky realises he means the man he loves, and goes over to give him a big hug. “He’s in love with a woman isn’t he?” Nicky sympathises. “Actually no. He’s in love with a man.” Mark replies. “Well at least you still have a chance with him!” Nicky exclaims. “I do?” Mark replies confused. “Yes! At least he is same sex oriented like you! You never know, something might happen between him and his love and he might fall out of love! Then you just have to jump at the chance!” Mark giggles, “You make it sounds so easy!” “Well you never know what the future holds.” Nicky says smiling. *one year later* The band has a night off, so Nicky decides to take a walk. He walks past a cemetery and shivers, ‘I could have been there if it weren’t for Bryan.’ he thinks to himself. He finds a park bench and sits down, taking a few minutes to reflect over the past year. He knows that although Bryan saved him, if it hadn’t been for Mark, he might have tried to kill himself again. ‘Mark. Sweet, Loyal, Compassionate Mark.’ He thinks about how good a friend Mark has been to him and can’t help but smile a big smile. ‘Shane and Gillian are getting married soon, they are going to be so happy together.’ He wonders what his future holds and is surprised to find every scenario he pictures features Mark as the love of his life. He has noticed over the past months his feelings for Mark change. Less thoughts of Shane, more thoughts of Mark. ‘Am I going to tell him? After Shane, I don’t think so.’ He sighs and decides to head back to the hotel. Nicky bangs on Mark’s hotel door. “Come in!” yells Mark. Nicky lets himself in and sits himself on the edge of Mark’s bed. “Hi Mark.” “Hi Nicky.” Nicky smiles at Mark and Mark smiles back. “I wish we were back in New Zealand. It’s been a year already!” Mark grins, “Yeah, its been a big year for you! How are you feeling about Shane and Gills wedding?” Nicky smiles, “I’m happy for them. I am finally over him and I think I am in love with someone else.” “You think or you know?” Nicky watches Mark for a second while he thinks, “I know I am in love.” Mark gives him a hug, “You going to tell him?” Nicky shakes his head no. “Don’t blame you really.” “What about you? Are you still in love?” Mark groans, “Yes! Instead of getting over him, I’ve managed to fall deeper in love with him!” “Aww Marky, It will all work out I am sure of it.” “I hope so.” Mark says, “Do you want to watch TV?” “Sure.” Mark turns the TV on, both men end up watching a cartoon. A while later, Nicky looks at Mark, “Do you love me Mark?” he asks suddenly. “Of course I do! You’re my best mate!” Mark says, flicking channels on the TV. “Mark! I mean seriously! Do you love me like a boyfriend?” Nicky watches Mark’s face intently, his heart beating furiously. Mark blushes and turns away from Nicky finding the TV remote to be incredibly interesting. “Mark?” Nicky whispers. “I … I … I …” Mark flusters not able to answer the question. “I’ll take that as a yes. Well that changes things just a little.” “How?” Mark whispers, afraid of the answer. “It just makes it easier for me to tell you I love you if I know you love me.” Mark slowly turns back to Nicky, “Do you mean that?” he asks cautiously. Nicky nods, holding Mark’s gaze. ”You’ve been the best friend ever and have helped me through so much. The best relationships are based on solid friendships right? And I can’t imagine my future without you in it. Will you be my date to Shane and Gillian’s wedding?” he asks shyly. Mark nods and leans over to give Nicky a tender kiss. After pulling away, Nicky asks, “Was it worth it?” “Was what worth it?” “The wait! You’ve waited so long for me, and now that you’ve got me, was it worth it?” Mark nods, not able to find the words to express his feelings. Nicky pulls Mark close wrapping his arms around the bigger man. “We need to throw a party for Bryan.” “We what? Why?” Mark exclaims. Nicky giggles at Marks confusion. “I never really thanked Bryan for saving my life. And right now, I am glad he did. If it wasn’t for that moment, you and I would never have become such good friends and I never would have realised you are everything I have always wanted in a man.” Mark feels tears of happiness well up and he buries his head into Nicky’s shoulder, crying tears of joy. “Aww, you big softie!” Nicky whispers, holding Mark closer and relishing the love and happiness radiating from within each other. “Hey Mark, do you believe me now that with those puppy dog eyes you can get anything you want?” Nicky jokes. Mark giggles, “Yeah, I guess you were right.” Mark slowly reaches behind him for a pillow, and while Nicky isn’t looking, he thumps him with it. “OI! What was that for?” Nicky hollers, grabbing a pillow of his own. Soon a pillow war has broken out and Mark and Nicky have tears of laughter rolling down their faces. Nicky collapses on the floor in an exhausted heap, followed by Mark. “We should do that more often! That was fun!” “Yeah, I’ll say! But we can do that anytime you like, we have all the time in the world!” Mark says, giving Nicky a loving hug. “Yeah, like now!” With that, Nicky clobbers Mark with his pillow resulting in round two of the pillow war. Shane walks past Mark’s hotel room and pauses. He can hear both Mark and Nicky laughing loudly and he smiles. He finally feels at peace within himself knowing that Nicky is finally happy and knows everything has worked out just fine. The End |
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